Psychologist Marisa Franco suggests that one of the most effective ways to improve self-esteem is to revisit and reshape distressing memories. Drawing on the concept of memory reconsolidation, she recommends that individuals, as their current adult selves, return to a troubling past event to offer the reassurance they needed at the time.
This approach, detailed in Franco’s new book “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” is rooted in research by behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader. The theory posits that memories are not static recordings of the past but actively predict future behaviors and feelings. By intervening in a memory, individuals can allow emotions to move through them rather than remaining frozen in time, which can lead to catharsis and reduced trauma symptoms.
Franco describes this technique as “reparenting.” In a personal example, she recalled feeling ashamed and isolated as a child of color waiting for her mother, who was frequently late to soccer practice. To reframe the memory, she visualized her adult self appearing before her mother arrived to hug her younger self, saying, “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy that I get to pick you up. Even though your mom is late, she loves you.” This exercise helped her shift from feelings of embarrassment to a sense of being valued and bold.
According to Franco, low self-esteem acts as a barrier that prevents people from internalizing positive experiences. She notes that without a strong sense of self-worth, individuals may achieve great success or find love yet still feel like failures or unlovable. Conversely, improving self-esteem allows people to fully receive and appreciate the good aspects of their lives.
The article also references related resources, including a quiz on attachment styles co-authored by neuroscientist Amir Levine, and tips for managing negative self-talk. Franco emphasizes that self-worth is a skill that can be learned and strengthened through practices that validate one’s emotions and past experiences.
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