Psychologist Shares 5 Strategies for Parents to Boost Children’s Emotional Intelligence During Tantrums

Children frequently express complex emotions through behavior, ranging from toddler tantrums and hitting to teenage door-slamming and eye-rolling. Juli Fraga, a licensed psychologist and co-author of “Parents Have Feelings, Too,” notes that many parents feel overwhelmed by such misbehavior and often resort to negotiation or frustration, which can exacerbate feelings of lost control.

Fraga, who teaches workshops at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, emphasizes that misbehavior is a normal form of communication that signals underlying fears or worries. By addressing these root emotions, parents can help their children develop emotional intelligence, preparing them to handle setbacks and embrace independence.

The following five strategies are recommended for managing outbursts:

1. Regulate Your Own Emotions First
Children model the behavior they witness. When parents remain calm during chaos, kids are more likely to “catch” that composure. Fraga suggests pausing for five deep belly breaths, which delivers oxygen to muscles and triggers the body’s relaxation response.

2. Investigate Rather Than Command
Instead of adopting an authoritarian stance or demanding that a child stop immediately, parents should approach the situation like a detective. Asking “What might be going on for my kid right now?” helps identify drivers such as fear of trouble or a desire for independence. This curious mindset encourages honesty and collaborative problem-solving.

3. Help Children Name Their Emotions
Misbehavior often serves as a psychological defense against painful feelings like shame, guilt, or sadness. Fraga highlights the importance of “emotion naming,” which can calm the brain’s amygdala. Parents are encouraged to ask simple questions like “Are you sad?” or “Are you worried?” to help children label the feelings beneath their defenses.

4. Reflect on Parental Behavior
Since children imitate what they see, recurring misbehavior may mirror a parent’s own coping mechanisms. Fraga advises parents to examine how they handle their own anger, anxiety, or fear. Self-scanning for physical sensations, such as chest heaviness or jaw tension, can help parents identify their own emotional needs and model healthier regulation.

5. Check for Basic Needs Using the H.A.L.T. Method
Stressors, whether daily or prolonged, can dysregulate a child’s nervous system, leading to meltdowns when overtired or stressed. Fraga recommends using the acronym H.A.L.T.—Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired—to pinpoint underlying causes. Addressing these needs with a snack, nap, or quality time can often resolve the behavior.

Fraga, who has nearly two decades of experience working with new parents, supervises psychiatry residents at UCSF and follows her work on Instagram under @parentshavefeelingstoo.